Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
