They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
