I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize