It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
