I feel great
I just peed on a car
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
