I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
