i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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