my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
