Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
