I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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