spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
