Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
