i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
