for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
