Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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