i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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