Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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