the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
