She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
