You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
