So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
