you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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