Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
