I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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