Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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