Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize