if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
