I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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