connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize