I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
