I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
