she was so not down for the gang bang
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
