Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
