She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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