Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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