A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
