hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
