you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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