Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
