I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
