When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
