I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Pooping to opera.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
