I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
