I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
