So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
