you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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