Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
