Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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