I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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