My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
