I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just pee around me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
