apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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