hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
