nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
