i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
