I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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